stuggling :(

so life doesn't turn like out how you've imagined when you're younger. it's definitely not like anything they show on the tv or the movies. so i have moved up to yakima, wa janurary 21st i believe. I live with my grandparents and so grateful for them letting me stay here so that i can go to school at yvcc for the vet tech program. i got a job at walmart where i work in the deli. has quite the drama there kinda like high school. my dad use to say that you think that when you move away from home that you think you are leaving drama well your not cause it will always be the same people but with different names. well one night at work i was schedule to work 4pm to midnight. so i was ok with that cause i closed with a girl that we are becoming good friends. i was waiting to clock in for work and there was a guy who was waiting(Alyse) to go back to work from lunch or something like that. and he totally asked me out and i didn't know what to say, i didn't want to be mean and say no and so i said maybe if i don't have to work. so he asked for my number and so i gave it to him. and we texted a little bit. i wasn't to interested in him. so work went on and wasn't too bad i dont think. Alyse was off at 11 so all was left to do was sweep and mop the floors. it was like around 11:30 or so and i was in the front sweeping or something and then all of a sudden i hear a hey and i turn around and there's this guy that works overinght in produce. and so we start talking and which distracts me from work lol anyways he asked if i was from around here and i said nope i'm from oregon. (oh his name is Nick) he asked me what part and i'm like from a small town in eastern oregon on the oregon and idaho border. he asked if i was from ontario and i said no i'm from nyssa. he was like no way and i'm like yep. i come to find out where he's from and he said Payette, ID. CRAZY lol such a small world. i can't remember what else we talked about after that but he was like i really want to give you my number before you leave and so i was ok probably not going to happen cause i didn't see him for a couple of minutes but then a little while later he came back in with his name and number and so i took it. we started texting the next couple of days and i starting liking him which is a big weakness for me cause i fall hard for guys that are nice to me and ya so one night it slipped out that i liked him. and he was like what kind of like and so then being dumb i told him that i liked him alot and would like to be in a relationship with him and that kissing would be fun lol and he was like wow ok not expecting that. and i'm like crap i cant believe i just told him that and the worse thing was that i worked opening that next morning and he was there when i showed up but we both saw each but didn't say a word lol i was embarresed and he said he felt bad for turning me down or something like that. well then he leaves town and i find out that he is seeing one of his ex's again. so then i would be texting him and he doesn't respond one day and so i was like he's done with me lol don't hear a thing from him for like 4 days. so i was like ok we weren't meant to be friends. well one night i get this text from someone and we go through this whole guessing game but i kinda knew at the beginning it was nick and sure enough it was. i sent him an email with my number when i hadn't heard from him nd a way of being a closer for me if he didn't want anything anymore from me. this all sounds crazy right now but you should feel how i feel and it sucks. well he was like i'm using a friends phone so i was like ok and all these feelings came back again. so we talk like all night lol so the next morning i text him and i get whose this and i'm like really you know who this is cause we talked last night...bad move lol it comes to find out that the phone he was using was his girlfriend lol so ya he's a player lol so a couple days later he gets a new phone but through all of this he tells me that he likes me more as a friend too...so complicated lol well we talked about hanging out but we couldn't at his house cause his girlfriend is there and he wanted to come over i'm fine with that but not at 7 in the am thats too early especially cause i live with my grandparents and if it was my house it wouldn't be that big of a deal. he kept asking me for pics but i was like i get one first then you get yours. i liked what i saw lol and i guess he did too. they were only face pics so don't worry. i'm having mixed feelings right now cause he cheated on his gf with me. i always told myself that i would leave my bf or whatever if they ever cheated on me and he was raised to not cheat either and he saw his dad cheat on his mom so many times. he says he feels bad for lying to his gf and doesn't want her to leave him. but he told me he doesn't regret it with me. for me i'm a girl and girls have more feelings than guys do. i feel so bad cause i'm hurting all the time, i cry myself to sleep cause i feel used and ignored and then i feel like he put me back in the friends zone. I just want to be loved and accepted i've alone for so long. I want to be with him but i don't think he ever does want to with me. I don't know if i'll ever hear from him again. i get mad at him but then i go and see him at work if we are working at the same time at night. when i see him i fall for him again. It's just so hard :( I just want to know what love is.....